How Attachment Trauma Can Affect Adult Relationships

Attachment trauma often impacts the way you experience closeness, trust, intimacy, and conflict. It can create patterns that feel hard to change, even when you logically understand what’s happening.

You might notice:

• fear of abandonment or rejection

• difficulty trusting others

• anxiety when someone pulls away

• feeling “too much” or “not enough”

• shutting down emotionally during conflict

• discomfort with vulnerability

• people-pleasing or over-functioning in relationships

• choosing emotionally unavailable partners

• difficulty setting boundaries

• feeling unsafe even in stable relationships

For many people, these struggles create shame. But attachment trauma is not a personal failure—it’s often a nervous system response shaped by early experiences.

What Causes Attachment Trauma?

Attachment trauma can be caused by many experiences, including both obvious and subtle relational wounds.

Overt Causes

• physical abuse or neglect

• exposure to domestic violence

• abandonment or sudden separation

• death of a parent or close family member

• caregiver addiction or substance use

• frequent instability in the home

Covert Causes

• emotional unavailability or lack of affection

• inconsistent caregiving (comfort sometimes, dismissal other times)

• conditional love or chronic criticism

• manipulation, guilt, or withdrawal of affection

• parentification (being forced to grow up too quickly)

• controlling or overprotective parenting

• caregiver depression, anxiety, or postpartum mental health challenges

Often, the trauma is not just what happened—but what you didn’t receive: emotional safety, reassurance, and support.

Signs You May Be Struggling With Attachment Trauma

People often seek therapy because they feel stuck in repeating patterns. You might benefit from attachment-focused therapy if you notice:

• you feel panicked or rejected easily

• you fear being abandoned, even when there’s no clear threat

• you struggle to express needs without guilt or shame

• you shut down, withdraw, or become emotionally distant when stressed

• you feel intense relationship anxiety or jealousy

• you crave connection but feel overwhelmed when it’s available

• you have difficulty trusting others, even when they are kind

• you struggle with boundaries or tend to lose yourself in relationships

These patterns often make sense once you understand your attachment history.

Types of Attachment Styles (and How They Show Up in Adulthood)

Attachment trauma often contributes to insecure attachment styles. These are not labels meant to define you—they’re simply patterns that help explain how you protect yourself emotionally.

Anxious Attachment

Often includes:

• fear of abandonment

• constant reassurance-seeking

• overanalyzing your partner’s tone or behaviour

• feeling responsible for keeping the relationship stable

Avoidant Attachment

Often includes:

• discomfort with vulnerability

• emotional shutdown during conflict

• difficulty expressing needs

• pushing people away when closeness increases

Disorganized Attachment

Often includes:

• wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time

• unpredictable relationship patterns

• emotional overwhelm followed by withdrawal

• difficulty feeling safe even in loving relationships

In therapy, we help you identify your attachment pattern and build tools to respond differently.

How Therapy Helps Heal Attachment Trauma

Healing attachment trauma is not about blaming your past. It’s about understanding what your nervous system learned and building new ways of relating to yourself and others.

Therapy can help you:

• understand the root of your relationship patterns

• reduce anxiety and emotional overwhelm

• build boundaries without guilt

• learn how to express needs clearly and safely

• improve self-worth and self-trust

• work through shame and self-criticism

• develop healthier, more secure relationships

• feel safer in intimacy and emotional closeness

Many people find that attachment-focused therapy doesn’t just improve relationships—it improves how they feel in their day-to-day life.

Our Approach: Therapy for Attachment Trauma at New Moon Psychotherapy

At New Moon Psychotherapy, our work is trauma-informed, trauma-focused, relational, and grounded in safety. We recognize that attachment trauma affects not only thoughts and behaviours, but also the nervous system and the body.

Depending on your needs, your therapist may integrate approaches such as:

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT)

Helps clients understand emotions, attachment needs, and relationship patterns. EFT is especially helpful for clients who struggle with emotional shutdown, fear of closeness, or conflict cycles.

Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Supports clients in identifying and shifting core beliefs that often come from attachment wounds (such as “I’m not enough” or “I can’t trust anyone”).

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)

A structured trauma therapy approach that helps clients process painful experiences and reduce shame, guilt, and trauma-related beliefs.

Somatic and Nervous System-Based Therapy

Attachment trauma often lives in the body. Somatic approaches support emotional regulation, grounding, and nervous system healing—especially for clients who experience panic, shutdown, or emotional flooding.

Parts Work / Inner Child Work (Internal Family Systems-Informed)

Helps clients understand different emotional “parts” (such as the protector, the anxious part, or the younger wounded part) with compassion rather than self-criticism.

Attachment-Based Therapy

Focuses directly on healing relational wounds, building secure connection, and creating new ways of relating.

Couples Therapy (When Appropriate)

Attachment trauma often shows up most strongly in romantic relationships. Couples therapy can support healthier communication, conflict repair, and emotional safety.

Your therapy is always individualized. We work collaboratively, at a pace that feels safe and manageable.

Who We Work With

Our therapists support individuals who are struggling with:

• childhood emotional neglect

• relationship anxiety

• difficulty trusting others

• fear of abandonment

• intimacy concerns

• people-pleasing or codependency patterns

• trauma-related relationship difficulties

• family-of-origin wounds

• emotional shutdown or avoidance

• intergenerational trauma

Many clients come to therapy because they are tired of repeating the same patterns and want something different—something more stable, secure, and healthy.

Frequently Asked Questions About Attachment Trauma

Is attachment trauma the same as childhood trauma?

Attachment trauma is a type of childhood trauma, but it specifically relates to early relationships and emotional safety with caregivers.

Can you have attachment trauma even if your parents weren’t physically abusive?

Yes. Many people experience attachment trauma through emotional neglect, inconsistency, or lack of attunement—even in homes where there was no ‘obvious’ or physical abuse.

Can attachment trauma cause anxiety or depression?

Yes. Attachment trauma is strongly linked to anxiety, depression, emotional dysregulation, and relationship distress.

Can attachment styles change?

Yes. Attachment patterns are not fixed. Therapy and safe relationships can support the development of more secure attachment over time.

How long does therapy for attachment trauma take?

It depends on your history and goals. Many clients notice meaningful shifts within a few months, while deeper healing often takes longer. Therapy is paced based on your needs and readiness.