Hidden Shadows
4 Ways Complex Trauma Shapes Everyday Life

Complex trauma often lurks in the shadows of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, subtly influencing our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Often, without us even realizing it. 

In this blog, we will shed light on four ways that complex trauma might be seeping into various aspects of your life. From difficulties forming relationships to chronic feelings of shame and guilt, recognizing these signs can help you get ahead of the impact of complex trauma and empower you to make meaningful changes in your life. 

What is Complex Trauma?

Before we get started, let’s clarify what complex trauma really is. Complex trauma, often referred to as CPTSD, is the label given to the various difficulties stemming from repetitive and prolonged exposure to traumatic events from which escape is not often possible.

Complex trauma is often relational or interpersonal – it is associated with childhood abuse including emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. It can also result from intimate partner violence, captivity, or criminal involvement.

Don’t be discouraged by the word ‘complex’, when we become aware of the subtle and not so subtle impact of trauma, we are able to take meaningful action towards healing and creating a fulfilling life.

4 Ways Complex Trauma Shapes Everyday Life

1. Hyper-Independence as a Coping Mechanism

If you grew up in an environment where it was difficult or unsafe to rely on others, you may have learned to do everything for your self. Some common examples of hyper-independence are:

• Not delegating tasks at work because you believe others will let you down,
• Insisting on handling all household responsibilities to maintain control or ensure it’s done right,
• Rejecting emotional support from friends or loved ones when struggling. Often your friends/family won’t even know you’re struggling.

The reality is that self-reliance can be a strength and it’s often a factor contributing to the success that you’ve experienced. However, over time, hyper-independence becomes less effective, leading to burnout and isolation. 

Starting with small steps, such as delegating tasks or asking for and accepting support in areas you usually handle alone, can help you balance independence with healthy interdependence. This approach strengthens your connections with others while allowing you to focus more effectively on the tasks you choose to take on, ultimately enhancing your productivity and well-being.  

2. Difficulty Recognizing Your Own Needs

If your needs and preferences were ignored, dismissed, or punished, you may find it difficult to attend to, understand and prioritize your own needs. Some examples include:

• Forgetting to eat or dismissing signs of fatigue because you’re focused on taking care of others,
• Minimizing your own experiences: “it’s not that bad” or “Other people have it worse,
• Feeling like a burden to others when asking for something,
• Not considering your own opinions or preferences when making plans

If this sounds familiar, you’ve likely internalized the belief that your needs are unimportant or unsafe to express. Yet they are important and vital for healthy adult relationships. 

Start by checking in with yourself:

• What are you feeling?
• What is your body telling you?
• What do you need in this moment? 

Then be the adult you wish you had – reassure yourself that it’s important to meet your own needs. Practice saying no and having your voice heard. Praise yourself for the steps you’re taking. It will get easier with time. 

3. Chronic Feelings of Shame and Guilt

Complex trauma can distort our sense of self-worth, leaving us believing that we don’t deserve happiness or success. Complex trauma can also leave us feeling like there is something wrong with us or like we’re doing something wrong. This can come from being told that there is something wrong with us, that we’re not good enough, or that our struggles or abuse are our fault. It can also come from drawing conclusions from how others have treated us. Some common examples are:

• Feeling like a fraud – people will find out that they are not as competent as they led them to believe they were,
• Difficulty accepting positive feedback – doubting it to be true,
• Overapologizing for small inconveniences.

As mentioned previously, the first step is awareness. After that, it’s important to challenge these negative self-beliefs and practice self-compassion and acceptance. Most of us haven’t taken the time to consider where our thoughts came from and whether it is helping or hindering us to believe them. If you’re struggling to reframe your thinking on your own, therapy can help. 

Journaling, mindfulness, and acting opposite to your thoughts can also help overcome chronic feelings of guilt and shame. 

4. Difficulty Forming Meaningful Relationships

Trauma is isolating – I say this to my clients every day.

Survivors often struggle with trust and closeness, fearing that they will be hurt or betrayed again. Some common examples are:

• Feeling uncomfortable when opening up to friends or partners which can lead to surface-level connections,
• Avoiding deep emotional conversations out of fear that you will reveal too much, resulting in rejection and judgment,
• Rejecting people as soon as they make a mistake to protect yourself from being hurt again in the future.

Meaningful relationships are built upon a strong foundation of vulnerability and trust. Yet for a complex trauma survivor, vulnerability screams danger. Taking the time to gradually build your comfort with vulnerability will allow you to cultivate deeper, more meaningful, relationships. Brene Brown is a fantastic researcher who speaks and writes on this topic. You may find it helpful to explore her work. Therapy can provide a safe space in which to explore and overcome these concerns.  

Moving Towards Healing and Empowerment

If you are struggling with the impact of complex trauma, you may be surprised to learn that your difficulties are actually your body and mind trying desperately to protect you. 

The first step towards healing and building a meaningful life after complex trauma is understanding the many obvious and subtle ways in which trauma impacts you daily. It is important to remember that these effects are NOT a life sentence; with the right support and resources, it is possible to rise above your struggles and to create a fulfilling future.

If you resonate with any of the challenges discussed in this blog, consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery and complex trauma. Complex trauma has been extensively researched and we know that many different evidence-based therapies can be used to treat the very struggles you’re currently experiencing. A therapist specializing in this area will be able to guide your healing journey.