Shame is a powerful emotion, one that can leave us feeling small, unworthy, and stuck. It creeps into our thoughts, influencing our self-talk and shaping the way we see ourselves. It whispers, “There’s something wrong with you,” “You should be over this,” or, “You shouldn’t feel this way.” These thoughts are heavy, unhelpful, and far too common. 

Shame doesn’t have to define your story and healing is possible. While it’s not a “one and done” process, you can begin to take steps every day to confront shame, break its grip, and rebuild your sense of worth.  

Below, I’ll share 5 of my favorite practical tips to begin healing from shame.

1. Notice Your Internal Self-Talk

Our internal voice tends to be harsher on ourselves than we’d ever be on those who we love, care for, or admire. When was the last time you said to a friend or loved one, “You’re disgusting, no one will ever want you”, “That’s so embarrassing! Everyone will think you’re stupid” or “You’re such a failure”? Likely never. Yet, I’ll bet that you’ve uttered at least one of these statements to yourself at least once this week. We often talk to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to others.

The first step to changing your inner dialogue is to pay attention to your inner dialogue. Try to take moments out of your day to check in with yourself. Are the things you’re internally saying critical or unkind? If so, pause and ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I love, care for, or admire?” 

If the answer is no, reframe your words. Try compassionate statements like:

 “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough”

“Everyone makes mistakes, it’s human”

“I’m still learning”

“It’s okay to feel this way”

If this doesn’t feel believable, that’s okay. Keep trying. As a drag queen once said to me: Fake it till you make it, baby!

Making these small adjustments can gradually create a more understanding, empowering, and compassionate relationship with yourself. 

2. Watch Out for “Shoulds”

“Stop shoulding on yourself” – Albert Ellis

That quote made me lol, way back when, in my psych 101 class and then it became one of many mantras I repeat to myself. Here’s why:

Shame loves to hide behind the word “should.” “I should be married/have children/make 6 figures/be in grad school/etc.” “I should feel grateful.” “I should be over it by now.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “I shouldn’t have gone out that night.”

These “should” statements create an oppressive set of expectations that reject your authentic journey and your true self. As I tell many of my clients, “You are where you are right now because this is where you are meant to be. Not in a spiritual, philosophical kind of way. But because your life unfolded in a way that led you to this moment, not the moment you are shoulding about.”

The more you should, the more unrealistic your standards become, the less aligned you become with your actual needs or truth, and the more shame you experience. The more shame you experience, the more miserable you feel.  And the cycle continues.

When you catch yourself thinking “I should…”, try asking yourself, “Says who?” Who says you should be somewhere else? What is this mythical standard that you’re holding yourself up against? Recognize that these expectations are often created by societal pressures and comparison traps. Let go of the “shoulds” and allow yourself to simply be where you are in your journey.

3. Think of Shame as a Bully

If shame were a person, it would be the classic playground bully. It thrives on putting you down, convincing you there’s something wrong with you, and silencing your worth. But like most bullies, shame loses its power when you stand up to it.

Start by recognizing that shame is an emotion. It’s not a fact or a reflection of who you are as a person. When you notice feelings of shame, try separating them from your identity by saying something like, “I’m feeling ashamed right now, but that doesn’t mean I am shameful.”

Next, practice standing up to shame and reframing its messages. For example, if shame tells you “You’ll never succeed”, respond with “Success looks different for everyone; I will create my own definition of success 🦸‍♀️.”

Remember, just because shame speaks loudly doesn’t make it true.

Here’s a trick: when you notice those thoughts of shame surfacing, imagine it as a bully you can stand up to. What would you or your people say to it? Perhaps you’d respond, “You’re wrong. I am enough just as I am.” Maybe you’d picture a loved one standing up for you, offering words of encouragement.

This kind of visualization helps create distance between you and the shame. It reframes it as something external—not something you are, but something you’re experiencing. And that’s a key distinction. You are not your shame.

4. Pay Attention to How Shame Affects Your Body

Shame isn’t just a mental experience; it also resides in your body. For many people, shame can feel like a tightening in the chest, knots in the stomach, or tension in the shoulders. When I feel shame, I usually slouch, avoid eye contact, and try to hide as much of my body as I can by crossing my arms, having my hands on my face, or letting my hair hang forward. When I feel shame I try to disappear.  

Learning to recognize how shame physically manifests in your body will help you quickly recognize when shame is present which can help you process and release it.

Moving your body in a way that opposes your shame posture can help. For me, that means standing or sitting up straight, tucking my hair behind my ear and moving those hands away from my face. 

Research suggests that the Superman pose can lead to feeling confident.

You can also try small daily practices such as mindful breathing, gentle stretching or grounding exercises. These may offer a sense of relief and help you connect with your body.

If you’re struggling with shame and nothing seems to help. Or, if you logically know you are not what shame tells you, but your body still feels the shame, you might benefit from exploring somatic (body-focused) therapy as a tool to address shame holistically. Therapies like Somatic Experiencing/Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help connect your mind and body, by gently guiding you to work through the shame stored in your body. 

5. Invite Vulnerability

Shame thrives in isolation and secrecy. It’s a vicious cycle: we feel ashamed about something, so we hide it from others, which only heightens our feelings of shame and unworthiness even more.

Brené Brown, a world-renowned expert on shame and courage, says that the antidote to shame is vulnerability. Learning that changed my life – maybe it can change yours too.

Vulnerability feels intimidating. It is exexceptionally hard because shame convinces us that we have to hide our feelings and authentic selves or else ☠. Like myself and many of my clients, you may have been conditioned throughout your life to keep your feelings to yourself, keep painful family secrets in the vault, and above all, don’t even dream to share your insecurities. While those lessons were intended to protect us, they have kept us isolated and stuck with shame. Vulnerability is the superpower that enables connection, thereby facilitating healing. Sharing your feelings, secrets, and insecurities with trustworthy people weakens shame.

Imagine opening up to a close friend or therapist about the thoughts that weigh you down. While taking that step might feel uncomfortable, the reward can be profound. Vulnerability often leads to understanding, support, and the realization that you’re not alone in your struggles. 

So many of my sexual trauma cases, at some point in their treatment, arrive to session and share with awe that they dared to open up about their abuse and were met with support, compassion, and felt humbled by others’ willingness to share that they too were holding onto a similar secret. 

Start small. You don’t have to open up all at once—but even sharing a piece of your story can begin to lighten the load.  Remember, vulnerability is not weakness; it’s strength. It takes courage to be vulnerable, but the healing and connection that can come from it are worth it.

Healing is Possible

Shame can feel like a nasty emotion. It can be so overwhelming and unshakable that you start to believe it’s a life sentence in the prison of self-loathing. You have more power over it than you may think. By being aware and challenging harmful thoughts, standing up to shame as if it were a bully, paying attention to how it affects your body, and inviting vulnerability into your life, you can begin to weaken shame’s grip on you. 

Don’t let shame hold you back from being your true self; take small steps towards overcoming it every day. You deserve to live a fulfilling and authentic life free of shame and full of self-compassion and acceptance.  So keep practicing these strategies, seek support when needed, and never forget – you are worthy, just as you are! 🌟