Siding with the Enemy and Other Relationship Faux Pas

Siding with the Enemy & Other Relationship Faux Pas
Have you ever approached your partner with a problem — let’s say you got a reprimand at work for being late — and they swoop in and try to fix the problem for you — “how about next time you turn your computer on 10 minutes before the meeting” or “next time you should leave the house earlier”. Chances are you will leave that conversation unheard, and maybe criticized, because intended or not, your person just hinted that you’re not capable of solving your own problems.
Another thing that well-meaning partners often do is side with the enemy .. this sounds like — “well, I can see why they’d be annoyed” or “you are always late”. Reminding yourself that they’re well-meaning does not lessen the sting.
We are all guilty of responding in these ways — I’m guilty of it, you’re guilty of it, your neighbor is guilty of it. We do this with the best intention of protecting our loved one from pain in the future, however:
- It’s impossible to protect someone from making a mistake or to protect them from pain.
- The person’s pain increases with these responses.
- These responses are fueled by what we call “the just world bias” — the belief that good things happen to good people and that bad things happen to bad people. This bias leads you to believe that the reprimand was your partner’s fault and that there is something they could have done differently to prevent it.
That third point is important — this rule fuels so much of our lives and in doing so it causes us and many around us so much pain. Next time your partner comes to you with a problem, use these five tips that come from a couples counselling approach, Gottman Method Couples Therapy. These tips will increase the likelihood that the interaction is a positive one, leave your partner feeling heard and supported, and strengthen your connection and relationship.