Why Did This Happen? Understanding Infidelity as a Search for Self

Infidelity isn’t always about the other person — sometimes, it’s about the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost.

When infidelity enters a relationship, it can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you. Whether you’ve been betrayed or you’re the one who broke trust, the pain is real, raw, and confusing.

One of the most common and complicated questions couples ask in therapy is:

“Why?”

“Affairs are an expression of longing—not so much for another person, but for another self.” 

— Esther Perel

Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a relationship can face. For the person who discovers the betrayal, it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under them—shock, grief, anger, and deep confusion often follow. The most common question we hear in the therapy room is: “Why?”

While every situation is unique, one of the most misunderstood truths about infidelity is this: affairs often aren’t about being unhappy with your partner—they’re often about being disconnected from yourself.

It’s Not Always About the Other Person

There’s a cultural narrative that says people cheat because they’re bored, angry, or no longer in love with their partner. And yes, sometimes disconnection in the relationship plays a role. But just as often, people who stray describe loving their partner, valuing the life they’ve built together, and not wanting to hurt anyone. So why does it happen?

Affairs can become a doorway to an unlived part of oneself. The version of you that feels confident, desired, spontaneous, or alive. Often, what’s being pursued isn’t the other person—it’s a version of yourself that you haven’t seen in a long time.

This is especially common during big life transitions: parenthood, career changes, aging, or even the stress of trying to “do everything right” in life. The affair becomes a mirror, reflecting back a self that’s been buried under responsibility, routine, or emotional numbness. 

This Doesn’t Excuse the Betrayal—But It Can Help Explain It

Understanding why infidelity happens isn’t about minimizing the hurt or justifying the behavior. The pain of betrayal is real and valid. But being able to make sense of what happened—on both sides—is often a key part of the healing process.

When we can understand infidelity as a crisis of identity, not just a crisis of the relationship, we can begin to explore the deeper questions:

• What was missing in me, not just in us?

• What part of myself did I feel cut off from?

• What needs have gone unspoken or unmet?

• How did we lose sight of each other?

There’s No One Path Forward—But Healing is Possible

For some couples, infidelity is the end of the relationship. For others, it becomes the beginning of a new chapter built on honesty, vulnerability, and a deeper understanding of one another. There’s no one “right” outcome—but you don’t have to figure it all out alone.

At New Moon Psychotherapy, we support couples and individuals navigating the impact of infidelity. Our work often includes:

• Naming and processing betrayal trauma

• Creating emotional safety in the therapy space

• Understanding the personal and relational roots of the affair

• Rebuilding trust—if and when both partners are ready

• Exploring your sexual connection with the support of therapists trained in sex therapy

• Making space for grief, accountability, and clarity about next steps

We also recognize that infidelity affects each partner differently. Many people benefit from having their own individual therapist in addition to couples work, and we can help support that process too