What We Wish More People Knew About Sex After Sexual Trauma
Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get talked about enough:
What it’s actually like to navigate sex after sexual trauma.
For many survivors, sex can feel confusing — even years after the trauma. For some, the confusion doesn’t start until many years later, making it even more confusing!
You might love your partner, feel safe in your relationship, or even want sex… but still find yourself freezing up, zoning out, or feeling gross afterwards and not knowing why.
We see this all the time in our work as sex and trauma therapists.
And we want you to know: you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.
Here are some of the things we wish more people — survivors, partners, and professionals — understood about sex after trauma.
1. Loving your partner or wanting sex doesn’t automatically make it easy.
You can be in a safe relationship, feel deep love, and still find sex difficult.
You can feel desire and dysregulation at the same time.
That’s not weird. That’s not broken. That’s your nervous system doing what it is supposed to do to keep you safe.
2. Being triggered during sex doesn’t always look dramatic.
It doesn’t have to be crying, shaking, or panic attacks (although it can be those things). It is also subtle:
- Zoning out or going “blank” during intimacy
- Smiling and performing while feeling disconnected
- Feeling gross, ashamed, or confused after sex and not knowing why
These are all signs your body isn’t fully on board — and that’s worth listening to.
3. Even if you think you’re ready, your body might not be.
Trauma doesn’t just live in your memories. It lives in your body.
You might mentally want to have sex, but your nervous system still sees it as unsafe — especially if the trauma happened in a sexual context.
Things like pain with penetration (ie. Vaginismus, Vulvadynia, and Dyspareunia), low arousal, erectile difficulties, or trouble with orgasm are sometimes labeled “sexual dysfunction” — but for many survivors, they’re actually protective responses. Your body has just been trying to keep you safe.
It’s important to have all physical symptoms assessed by a doctor to rule out any biological or physiological causes, which can also, at times, be related to the trauma (ie. pain resulting from an injury sustained during the abuse).
4. You’re not broken or “too much.”
Surviving trauma requires adaptation. Your body may have had to learn to dissociate, please, shut down, avoid, or go along to get through. These responses, though seemingly unhelpful now, are actually incredibly important. They helped you survive — they are not evidence of failure. They’re evidence of strength.
You’re not damaged. You’re resilient.
5. Healing doesn’t mean going back to who you were before.
You don’t have to “get back” to how things were pre-trauma.
In fact, healing often means discovering something new — on your own terms:
- More choice
- More voice
- More gentleness
- More pleasure
For many survivors, it’s the first time they get to ask: What do I want from sex? What feels safe? What feels good? What is my erotic identity?
6. Sex after trauma can beautiful, playful, sacred, messy, and real.
Healing doesn’t have to be boring. It doesn’t have to be clinical or heavy.
Sex after trauma can be soft, hot, silly, slow, kinky, vanilla, committed, casual — or something totally unique to you. It can be solo. It can be shared. It can be whatever feels right.
You get to redefine what sex means. You get to opt in, opt out, take your time, change your mind, or try again tomorrow.
Healing is possible. Pleasure is possible.
If sex has felt hard, overwhelming, or confusing since trauma, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
Working with a trauma-informed sex therapist can help you reconnect with your body, understand your nervous system, and create new experiences of safety and pleasure.
We believe that survivors deserve sex lives that feel safe, connected, and fully their own. If you’re curious about that journey, we’re here to support you.